I wish I knew why I did the things I do.

(Don’t worry – no spoilers. I don’t even say a single thing about the movie at all. Just watch me.)

So I got up at 5:00 this morning – ON PURPOSE – so that I could catch a bus at 6:00 to get me to the theater at 6:30 so I could stand in line (not the TICKET line, mind – I’d already boughten that online) so I could see the 7:30 am showing at the Cinerama in downtown Seattle. Which was actually the THIRD showing of the day. (First was the midnight, then came the 3:15.)

The thing you have to understand is that the Cinerama is HOLY SHIT COOL with its huge screen and fantastic acoustics, and it is the place to be for any Seattle movie premiere. I’d say “Waiting In Line At the Cinerama” has become a Seattle tradition since Microsoft’s Paul Allen renovated it about five years ago. Any big movie will sell out for at least the first few days, and the line always stretches around the block.

I thought I was doing all right by getting there an hour early. But I really should’ve known better. I was still over a full block away from the entrance, but at least I was standing in front of some fairly entertaining guys. One of them was telling a story about being with some other friends:

GUY 1: So I was trying to be cool about the Star Wars, y’know, playing it down a bit. But then they asked when I was going to be in line, and I was all, “Um, 6:30…,” and just then my cel rang: Dun-dun-dun dun-DU-DUNN dun-DU-DUNNN
GUYS 2&3: [laugh]
GUY 1: And this little eight-year-old kid who’s with us just FREAKS – “STAR WARS!!!”
GUY 2: Dude, that’s sad when an eight-year-old’s got your back.
GUY 1: Yeah, it’s like, [little kid voice] “No, but Star Wars is SO AWESOME!” [grown-up whisper] “Shut up, kid, you’re not helping!”

Then later a fellow wearing a Starbucks apron came by taking orders for coffee. Which, at THAT early in the morning, was a godsend. He had a clipboard with a piece of paper with a few choices on it, and I decided I was desperate enough to fork out $4 for a mocha, so I gave him the money and he wrote down my name. One of the guys behind me also went for it, which prompted this after the Starbucks guy moved on:

GUY 1: Y’know, this really shows how trusting we are. It’s like, “But dude, he had an apron.
GUY 2: Yeah, you can’t get one of those.
GUY 1: And a CLIPBOARD!

So fifteen minutes passed, and suddenly the line started moving. Five minutes later, we were in the theater, coffee-less and collectively eight dollars poorer. Man, I hope this scam doesn’t catch on with ALL the panhandlers.

But luckily the entertainment didn’t end there. First, there was the teenager-ish kid who was trying to exit through the doorway when everyone else was coming in, his frustration erupting with a teeth-gritted “Get out of my WAY!” in the best unintentional Napoleon Dynamite voice I’ve heard since high school. Then, after I found my seat and got comfortable, I saw Darth Vader, Lord of the Dance.

This was a VERY sparsely-costumed crowd, so somebody with a Vader helmet AND a cape AND the chest-buttons AND black gloves AND well okay just a black t-shirt BUT STILL… that person stands out. There’s no need for him to dance. None. But he didn’t realize this, just like he didn’t realize he couldn’t actually dance.

So there he was, spastically gyrating up and down the aisle, bumping into people, making people give him high-fives, and occasionally directing a palms-up raise-the-roof at us. Which was supposed to make us do something apparently. But of course no one got into his act, and he eventually settled down. Then, shortly before the movie started, a girl came up the aisle loudly asking if there was a vacant seat anywhere. Dancing Vader stood up and beckoned. She stopped, pointed at him, and said, “YOU’RE a freak.” Much laughter from the crowd and even, I think, a bit of applause.

Then there was the movie. Like I said, no spoily here, but one thing I have to say: It made me completely forget all my thoughts I’d been having about how geek-B.O. + popcorn butter is one of the most disgusting smell combinations ever. And popcorn butter is such a GOOD smell. How the power of nerd-sweat can twist it so foully is astonishing to me. But then that crawl crawled up, and all such worldly thoughts vanished for two and a half hours.

Will a review follow? I dunno. The Internets have always been able to take care of themselves there. But if you’re really interested in knowing what I thought, just read The Onion’s review. It’s seriously almost spot-on parallel to my own feelings.

(Oh, and for all you continuity-hounds, yes I LIED ABOUT NOT SAYING A SINGLE THING ABOUT THE MOVIE AT ALL HA HA HA FOOLS.)

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